remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
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