Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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