you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night