"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
Randomize
