He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
