Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
