I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Randomize
