Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
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