i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
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He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
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You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
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