You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
They took my balls.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
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