you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
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