I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
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