my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
