Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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