His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Randomize
