Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
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