I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Randomize
