Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
