He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
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