sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Randomize
