I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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