i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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