God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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