the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize
