I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
Randomize
