So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
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Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
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Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
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