Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
