Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
