Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize
