lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
Randomize
