Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Randomize
