The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
Randomize
