maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Randomize
