2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Randomize
