hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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