i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
May the power of my ass compel you!!
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
