Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
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