two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
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I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
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I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I need a hoe opinion
go on
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
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