the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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