guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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