am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
