so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
