Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
I just found a bag of teeth...
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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