I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
