I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Randomize
