she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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