Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
Randomize
