I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
