I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
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So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
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FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
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