I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
