Betty ford says i'm here all night
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
i came on her dog
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
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