Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
