I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
