Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Randomize
