it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
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when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
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I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
Send help, water and tortillas.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!