all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
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drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
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In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
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