You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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