I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
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