That was rough. We had a 50% puke rate and 100% still drunk rate at lunch
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Randomize
