I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
hey, when you wake up, search yourself on youtube
my sister already found it, were watching it right now. i give it 2 thumbs up.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
You brought string cheese to the strip club
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Randomize
